Heidi > 1
This 1-friend and I connected when she married a high school friend of mine. Turns out Heidi and I have a LOT in common being Reformers. Best part is SHE is the reason I first heard about the Enneagram. Much like Heidi, I thought I was a 2 at first, too. (Big 2 wings & big 1 denial, Ha!)
When and where did you first hear about the Enneagram?
About three years ago in a conversation with a friend, she encouraged me to check out the Enneagram because she had seen how helpful it was in understanding herself. When I dive in, I dive in deep. So I bought the book she told me to buy and made my immediate family read it as preparation for our annual summer beach trip. As the ultimate Reformer that I am, I "diagnosed" most of my family members whilst reading it, but I mis-labled myself in the process because ain't no way I'm a 1. (Psych. Everything about me screams 1.)
Did you know you were a 1 right away?
For about 15 months I had convinced myself I was a 2. In my mind, 1's were crazy and, though I fancy myself to be quirky and eclectic, I wasn't about to lump myself in the same camp as 1's. What finally made me change my mind was the song "Two" by Sleeping at Last. Some of the lyrics mention being willing to give up my breath so someone else could breathe. When I heard that, it was like a record scratching in my brain and I said to myself, "Um, hold up. I am not about to give anyone my breath. But I would love someone else's." Ha. That's the least 2 thing to say. In working through why those lyrics troubled me so much, I realized that 1's go to 4 in stress (it was a stressful time when I found the song) and my thought process was aligning much more with that of a 4. I continued my soul-searching until I finally felt at peace with the fact that I am, indeed, through and through, a 1. So now I take it upon myself to correct everyone else who is also on an Enneagram journey of self-discovery. I kid. I kid. Kinda. :)
How do you see yourself growing as a mom and wife in your 1ness?
My tendency is to do something 100% or not at all. Currently my bedroom is a disaster with baskets of clean clothes waiting to be folded and put away and dirty clothes on the floor because it feels like too much work to get them to the hamper. I am actively avoiding dealing with the mess because I don't want to spend the 30 minutes it would take to pick it up and there is no way on this earth I am going to spend 5 minutes and barely make a dent in the crazy. Perhaps some see this as not a super positive trait of my 1ness. I beg to differ. I am comfortable at home which means I am comfortable with the mess. Now, I would prefer my main living room and kitchen to rarely be a mess and I actually get twitchy when those rooms are chaotic, but my bedroom is a bit of a sanctuary where I am entirely and completely comfortable. This is growth for me because I am able to spend time with my husband and kiddos rather than being hyper-focused on the mess that is in a room where I can just close the door. Last Christmas I received the gift of a Dyson stick vacuum. Receiving a vacuum was perhaps the gift that made me feel the most entirely known and entirely loved I've ever felt. I loathe floor messes. They make me hyperventilate. So my MO had been to avoid messy snacks and avoid Play-Doh and avoid anything remotely crafty with my kids and avoid baking with my kids because all those things would inevitably lead to a messy floor. I joke about this all the time, but I'm entirely serious when I say that owning a stick vacuum has made me a better mom. Bring on ALL the messy things that memories are made of. I'll just vacuum when we're done.
Three-fold question: What does your inner critic sound like? Were you aware it existed? Did you believe everyone had a critic before understanding 1s?
My inner critic is strong and ruthless, but it has taken some serious introspection to identify it and learn how to squelch it. Transparency alert: it is strongest just after a social gathering, even with those I'm closest to. I'll walk away from a gathering and, if I'm not careful, immediately begin to critique zero things said by others but every single word I said. Did I say too much? Did I not say enough? Why did I say that thing? It can be brutal, but I'm learning to catch it quickly and move past it. Under stress how do you see yourself disintegrating into 4-space? I have a zillion feels. When I'm feeling stressed, my tendency is to give in to my emotions and let them entirely run the show. Several weeks ago, I was poorly anticipating an upcoming social situation and rather than getting on top of it in my head, I let myself feel all the feels and ended up sobbing and unable to deal at all with it. I also want to be the first to admit that my understanding of a 4 is minimal which is likely why I don't always catch myself moving in that direction.
How do you bring up your repressed center? (1,2,6 thinking repressed; 3,7,8 feeling repressed; 4,5,9 doing repressed)
Several years ago I started to notice that my husband, who was genuinely well-meaning, would say, "You're so angry!" often after I said my thoughts about something that ultimately didn't matter. In the last year or so, I've realized that anger really is a very real emotion I experience! We also joke that if I ever started a podcast, it would simply be called "You're Doing It Wrong." Because 9 times out of 10, those are my thoughts as a 1. Ha. I've learned and am still learning that anger is an appropriate emotion, but it's what I DO with my anger that matters. Taking deep breaths when I feel it has been incredibly important. Slowing down (I do everything fast - it's not always accurate, but it's FAST) is also something that helps me re-center and avoid letting anger get my goat.
When do you feel most relaxed? What do you do for fun?
Oh this question. LOL. Relaxing is hard for me. In the past few months I've really tried to identify practices that bring me joy. I love listening to podcasts. Sometimes I get overwhelmed; however, because there are so many good podcasts to listen to! On that note, I'm currently jazzed about the Bridgetown Church's sermon series on Sabbath. It's a game-changer and I'm letting it happen. I also love to write. It is so centering to me. To be able to express whatever I'm experiencing and then read and reread it as a way to reflect brings such a sense of calmness to the deepest part of my soul. I tend to refer to myself as an ambivert - I'm both an introvert and an extrovert. With that in mind, time with my family and dear friends also brings me insane amounts of life.
How do you see 1ness coming out in your professional life?
I'm in my tenth year of teaching and something that cracks me up ON THE REGULAR is when my colleagues refer to me as "so chill." I've never thought of myself as even "kind of chill," but apparently that's what I exude at school. And I'm okay with this! I've relaxed tremendously in the last few years of teaching as I've realized what is ultimately demanding of my time and what can wait until later. I am also quite comfortable at my job and think I have a knack for teaching, so that confidence helps me relax even in the midst of chaos.
When is your inner critic the loudest?
My critic is, FOR SURE, the loudest in regards to administrative tasks. I tend to "manage" a lot of things (i.e. family calendar, social events) and my critic gets all sorts of salty when I mismanage something. One of my spiritual gifts is administration, so when something falls through the cracks administratively, it's a real task to make sure I practice positive self-talk and self-compassion. Several years ago I had the opportunity to be a virtual assistant for a businessman out of state. I went in extremely confident and felt like I would probably start my own virtual assistant business within a year. Oh my how very wrong I was. For a variety of reasons, it was not a good fit and I was let go from the position. That was a gigantic pride pill to swallow. A job I thought I would do tremendously at I failed abysmally at. I'm going to call it failing forward because I learned that that type of administration is just not my cup of tea, and THAT'S OKAY.
How do you feel most loved?
Easy. When someone does something that's mine to do. At home, at work, in a group I'm leading.
I'm Heidi. I'm 32 and have been married for 9 years to Daniel. We met in college and mutually disliked each other for 2 years. Then we became the best of friends and married a few years after we started dating (that's another story for another day...but it's a good one). I'm in my tenth year of teaching high school. I taught two years of general education English and hated it (classes were too big, I wanted to help students individually, yada yada), so I switched to special education and haven't looked back! We have two kiddos ages 3 and 5. We live right next door to the high school where I teach, so one of our favorite family activities is to walk to the football field and take in whatever is going on there (Have you ever seen a 7th grade football game?! We totally have.).